This is the human test, a test to see if you are a human. Please raise your hand if something applies to you. Are we agreed? Yes? Then let’s begin.
Have you ever eaten a booger long past your childhood? It’s okay, it’s safe here.
Have you ever made a small, weird sound when you remembered something embarrassing?
Have you ever purposely lowercased the first letter of a text in order to come across as sad or disappointed? Okay.
Have you ever ended a text with a period as a sign of aggression? Okay. Period.
Have you ever laughed or smiled when someone said something shitty to you and then spent the rest of the day wondering why you reacted that way? Yes.
Have you ever seemed to lose your airplane ticket a thousand times as you walked from the check-in to the gate? Yes.
Have you ever put on a pair of pants and then much later realized that there was a loose sock smushed up against your thigh? Good.
Have you ever tried to guess someone else’s password so many times that it locked their account? Mmm.
Have you ever had a nagging feeling that one day you will be discovered as a fraud? Yes, it’s safe here.
Have you ever hoped that there was some ability you hadn’t discovered yet that you were just naturally great at? Mmm.
Have you ever broken something in real life, and then found yourself looking for an “undo” button in real life?
Have you ever misplaced your TED badge and then immediately started imagining what a three-day Vancouver vacation might look like?
Have you ever marveled at how someone you thought was so ordinary could suddenly become so beautiful?
Have you ever stared at your phone smiling like an idiot while texting with someone? Have you ever subsequently texted that person the phrase “I’m staring at the phone smiling like an idiot”?
Have you ever been tempted to, and then gave in to the temptation, of looking through someone else’s phone?
Have you ever had a conversation with yourself and then suddenly realized you’re a real asshole to yourself?
Has your phone ever run out of battery in the middle of an argument, and it sort of felt like the phone was breaking up with both of you?
Have you ever thought that working on an issue between you was futile because it should just be easier than this, or this is supposed to happen just naturally? Have you ever realized that very little, in the long run, just happens naturally?
Have you ever woken up blissfully and suddenly been flooded by the awful remembrance that someone had left you?
Have you ever lost the ability to imagine a future without a person that no longer was in your life? Have you ever looked back on that event with the sad smile of autumn and the realization that futures will happen regardless?
Congratulations. You have now completed the test. You are all human